Myth Talk! JP's picks, part 2

So Iason sailed to Kolkhis, where the Golden Fleece was, and after dealing with Kokhis' psycho-king Aietes, he left Kolkhis with not only the Golden Fleece but also a smokin'-hot, sorceress for a wife. The sorceress, Medeia, is madly in love with Iason, and is Aietes' daughter. She has risked her life twice to save Iason, but hey, third time's the charm. Or the fourth. Or fifth. Let's just say she's gonna do anything to protect him. So when the Argonauts get caught in a detour near Krete, she's sadly aware of what happens next. Talos, spotting the ship (his psycho-senses are tingling!), begins hurling boulders at it. (Welcome to Krete. Over there is the fabulous palace of Knossos, and over there is the psychopathic, bronze giant trying to brutally sink your ship. Come back soon... if you're still alive, that is) Medeia hurriedly shouts to Iason, "Quick! We have to get someone on Talos' rock! Talos has only one vein in his body! And his only weak spot is his right heel! We have to stab his heel to kill him!" Amidst the screaming and steering, one man volunteers: the armor-bearer Poias, who is practically a boy. At first the entire crew disagrees, but what's better to speed up a desicion than 10-foot boulders whizzing right past your head? It is agreed, and tiny Poias sneaks off the ship with Herakles' bow and arrows and readies himself behind a tree nearby Talos. The ship is sailed to the other side of Krete and pulls into the shadow of Mt. Ida, so that Talos will not see them. Medeia advances seductively toward our bronze psychopath, who is soon under her distracting charms. Just as Medeia cuddles in close to whisper smeet promises into Talos' Obama-shaming ear, Poias springs upon the giant's unguarded ankle and shoots the arrows through the weak metal. The entire heel bursts open as Talos screams, writhing in agony. Medeia, Poias and the Argonauts watch as golden ichor (god-blood) splashes and froths onto the beach. The metal collapses on itself, and soon a wet scrap heap is all that's left of Talos.
Poias is honored as a hero for the rest of the day, and Medeia might've been mad that she wasn't being given much credit, if it hadn't happened that Iason had been there to comfort her (and, if you wish, you may take that to mean he told her to brighten up before they dumped water on her... 'I'm melting... melting!').

Poias later married and had a son, Philoktetes (not the satyr from Disney's Hercules!) who fought in the Troian War. He even was said to have fought alongside the great Odysseus, who just happens to be our last character. It was Odysseus who came up with the idea of the Troian Horse, a gigantic wooden horse statue, which was used to trick the people of Troy into practically welcoming the Greek Army into their city. The Greeks defeated the Troians, but upon leaving Troy did not give any sacrifices or thanks to the Gods for helping them. So Zeus and Poseidon struck the Greek ships with a massive hurricane, blowing all of them onto different courses. Odysseus and his ships were blown far out to Lamos, the land of the Laistrygonians, cannibal-giants. These giant destroyed all the ships but one, which was carrying Odysseus, and this ship mades its way through what is now called the Odyssey, or Adventure of Odysseus. Along this odyssey, Odysseus met and battled the one-eyed Cyclops Polyphemos, the generous-yet-superstitious wind-god Aiolos, the seductive witch Circe, the evil-yet-hypnotic Syrens, the monstrous Skylla-and-Kharybdis, and the vengeful Sun-god Helios. When Odysseus' men made a terrible mistake and ate some sacred cattle, Helios had Zeus unleash another hurricane, one that killed the men, but spared the innocent Odysseus. Odysseus washed up on Ogygia, the remote island of the lovesick goddess Kalypso. Kalypso, madly in love with Odysseus, kept him with her for 9 years. Meanwhile, Odysseus' wife, Queen Penelope of Ithaka, pines for him, while suitors trying to convince her Odysseus is dead plague her and Odysseus' son Telemakhos, who vainly tries to find Odysseus. When Hermes has Kalypso release Odysseus and Odysseus this time is washed up on the Island of the Phaiakians, the Phaiakians treat him well and send him home on a real ship.

(featured in the above picture are, counterclockwise from bottom-right, Odysseus, Circe, Syrens, Skylla-and-Kharybdis)

Odysseus reaches Ithaka, and with help from Telemakhos and some loyal subjects, he sneaks into the palace unnoticed. Penelope, trying to calm the suitors, has come up with a plan: the first suitor to string Odysseus' bow and shoot with it through 12 holes in a row, gets to marry her. (It just so happens that the bow is deformed so that the string is too short and thus only someone of incredible strength or brainpower can string the bow. Odysseus has both strength and brainpower.) Odysseus, disguised as a beggar, steps up after watching all the suitors fail at the task. He is able to string the bow and shoot through the holes with more grace and ease than Julie Andrews at a tea party. The suitors are angered, and after revealing who he really is, Odysseus, along with Telemakhos and the faithful subjects, kills all the suitors. Penelope and Odysseus are free to live happily ever after until they die.

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